The Antiques Road Show

Ah, yes. The Antiques Road Show, with its new host, Lara Spencer (Diane Thornton). Being new to the show, she betrays a bit of misunderstanding when she introduces the new season. But what she lacks in understanding, she makes up for in enthusiasm: "Today we will look at several kinds of antique roads, starting with the ancient Roman roads, which connected the farthest provinces of the Roman Empire to the central seat of power, upon which the Caesars sat, wielding their authority with an iron fist. So ruthless were these Roman emperors that they regularly threw people to the lions in the Coliseum, just for entertainment, while they sat back and watched from their private box seats in the Caesarean Section. But back to the roads—the Romans had perfected a way to make their roads last for—"

The stage manager rushes on stage as unobtrusively as possible and hisses, "Pssst! It's not a show about antique roads, you dolt! It's a road show about antiques! The Antiques Road Show! Get it?" Lara dons a plastic smiles and says, "Yes, of course. Heh, heh. Just seeing if the audience members are on their toes. Who's our first guest?"

The first guest was Wilma Johanson (Candice McLaren), who has a bent nail from her husband's workshop floor. Lara quickly appraises it for $500, has Wilma sign a 50% Finder's Fee contract and rushes her off the stage.

The next guest is a man named Bob (Luke Lawrence); he brings on a violin and a painting. Lara declares them to be a genuine Picasso and a genuine Stradivarius, and offers to pay Bob aout $15 for the pair. "Why so little?" asks a crestfallen Bob. "Because," Lara retorts, "Stradivari wasn't a very good painter, and Picasso made lousy violins. Next!"

A young lady (Stacy Schultz) approaches the stage carrying an old-fashioned chair with two cartoon chipmunks painted on it. Before the woman eaven gets on camera, Lara glares at the woman, frowning like a thunderstorm, and rumbles menacingly, "Don't you dare say anything about a Chippendale chair. . ."

The next guest is a man named Bob (Rick Whitner, no relation to the previous Bob), who has a wooden box he found in an old shed. Lara looks it over with a magnifying glass, finds an authentic carved signature of George Washington. However, it had been defaced by another signature, that of Abraham Lincoln, carved right over the top of the first one. Because of the defacement, the value was lower than Bob expected. "A buck and a quarter."

Bob was disaapointed by the report, so Lara said there might be something valuable inside. Sure enough, a feather quill used by King Henry VIII for signing royal decrees. "How do you know it was his?" Bob asks. "It says right here," Lara replies, pointing to some fine print on the shaft of the quill. "It says, 'I'm 'Enery the Eighth, I am. . .'" But because of Henry VIII's poor care of the quill (there was dried ink on it), Lara appraised it at only a few bucks.

Bob is thoroughly bummed by this time, and moans, "I guess it's just not my lucky day. . ." The compassionate Lara gets an idea: "Maybe there's a. . . there is! There's a secret compartment in the bottom! And it's got a map inside!" Bob is almost beside himself with excitement. They carefully unfold and examine the map. "Oh," says Lara, her excitement evaporating. "It's only a map to the Holy Grail. If it had been to the Ark of the Covenant, you'd be in Fat City now. As it is, I'll give you three or four bucks for it. . ." As Bob trudges off the set, Lara bubbles to the audience, "Tune in next time for another episode of Antiques Road Show!"