Murder, She Screamed

When the lawyer commercial is over, a murder mystery starts. It is an Agatha Christy mystery, entitled Murder She Screamed. The scene opens with two spoiled-rotten rich kids, Gwendolyn (Christy Richardson) and Reginald (Joel Cochinet), whose father, Sir Cecil, has just died under mysterious circumstances. Gwendolyn and Reginald are in a heated argument. Each is pointing out why the other had a motive to bump off the old man in hopes of inheriting the family fortune and being able to support their respective habits. His is gambling, and hers is kumquats.

Gwendolyn is smitten with remorse and wails, "No! No! Please don't! You have no idea how awful it's been! Kumquats have become so expensive! Why did I ever let this happen to me? How could I have been so stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" Immediately the butler Carrouthers appears and says, "You called, mum?" He is curtly dismissed, and the siblings continue their intense discussion. "Now listen to me you little fool!" Reginald hisses. "As far as everyone is concerned, father's death was purely a—" Suddenly, from the other room comes a banshee-like cry of "Murder! Murder!"

They whirl around to see the portly figure of their father's oldest living relative, the world-famous amateur detective Miss Marble (Nancy Burke) enter. Gwendolyn gasps, "Do you mean to say that our father was murdered?" "Oh, no," Miss Marble replies, adjusting herself with a grimace. "No, I mean to say that my girdle is killing me!"

Miss Marble is about to start reading the Last Will and Testament of Sir Cecil, when Carrouthers (Bill Miles) pops in again. "Begging your pardon, sir, but Inspector Shmendrick is here."

Reginald is not pleased. "The Inspector? What on earth does that blithering idiot want?"

"Well, I don't know, sir," the butler replies, "but I think he wants to blither with you personally."

Resigned to the inevitability of a visit from the Inspector, Reginald snaps, "Send him in, and then bring us some tea. Miss Marble, have a seat."

Miss Marble waddles over to the chair and collapses into it. The poor unsuspecting chair was no match for the accumulation of years incorporated into Miss Marble's plump frame, and it gives way with a dismal little wail. With a surprised look, Miss Marble sinks nearly to the floor.

Meanwhile, Carrouthers reappears with Inspector Schmendrick (Hal Schatz) in tow. It seems the Inspector is also here to investigate the questionable circumstances of Sir Cecil's death. He is not entirely convinced it was a suicide, even though there was a suicide note. The note said: "Out to lunch."

Reginald addresses the Inspector and gestures toward Miss Marble, "Perhaps I should introduce you to Miss Marble, a distant relative of Daddy's."

The Inspector politely shakes Miss Marble's hand, "Pleased to meet you, ma'am."

Miss Marble apologetically responds, "How you do, Inspector? I'd get up, but it seems I'm a bit stuck here. . ."

The Inspector sees the problem and, in typical male fashion, attempts to fix it. He takes Miss Marble by the hand, Reginald grabs him, and then Gwendolyn grabs Reginald, and they all pull: "One, two, three, heave!"

Miss Marble remains unmoved, and the three would-be rescuers pick themselves up off the floor.

Carrouthers returns with the tea, and the Inspector takes a cup, and starts expounding on his discoveries. "Well, you see, the autopsy revealed that Sir Cecil did not die of a self-inflicted knife wound as we thought. He was also strangled, shot three times, and bludgeoned with an ax!"

Miss Marble, her mind as perceptive as ever, interrupts: "Exactly what did he die of?"

The Inspector takes a sip of his tea, and looks at her knowingly. "Poison, ma'am. The bottle he took from the medicine cabinet did not contain aspirin as he thought but a lethal dose of shoe polish!" At that, he clutches his throat and collapses to the floor.

Within minutes, Miss Marble's steel-trap mind comes to a conclusion: "Wait a minute! I suspect foul play!" Sniffing the dead Inspector's teacup, she crows triumphantly, "Ah ha! Just as I suspected! The Inspector was murdered! His tea smells of shoe polish!" She whirls on the poor butler, "Well, sir, what have you to say to that?"

Carrouthers trembles, "Well, I don't know, ma'am. It's a good English tea. I made it meself. I'd stake my reputation as an English butler on it. Why, I'd stake me life on it!" He takes a big gulp of tea, simultaneously clutches his stomach and head (not with the same hand, of course), and collapses. Miss Marble, responding to his last comment, adds drily, "You lose."

Unruffled, Reginald asks, "What now, Miss Marble?"

She replies, "Well, I think perhaps we should read Sir Cecil's will and see if there are any clues to the identity of the murderer. 'I, Sir Cecil, being of sound mind and body, do here by bequeath my entire estate to. . . my only daughter, Gwendolyn.'"

Gwendolyn jumps up and squeals, "Me! Me! Me!" She celebrates by popping another kumquat in her mouth. Suddenly, she clutches her throat and collapses into her chair.

Reginald gloats, "I thought she'd never die. Poor girl. Kumquatted into oblivion."

Miss Marble continues to read the will: "In the event of Gwendolyn's death, my estate will go to the Devonshire Home for Unwed Fathers!"

"But that's impossible!" Reginald cries in disbelief. "What about me, me, me?"

Miss Marble flips through the pages of the will. "Here it is. You, you, you! 'As for my only son, Reginald, tough rockos!'"

"But that's not fair!" Reginald whines. "I've killed four people to get that money. Tough rockos, indeed! Well, blast you, you meddlesome old fat person!" He pulls gun out of pocket and aims it at an unperturbed Miss Marble. "You'll never live to tell anyone what I've done!"

Suddenly, with a cat-like speed that would make Jackie Chan turn green with envy, Miss Marble kicks the gun out of his hand. As its trajectory traces a perfect parabolic arc, the "dead" Inspector sits up and catches it. Reginald bolts for the door but the Inspector shoots him dead.

The Inspector gets up, chuckling. "Good idea of yours Miss Marble! My pretending to be dead so we could trap the murderer. How on earth did you ever figure out who did it?"

"Tricked him! You see, I didn't read exactly what was in the will. Why don't you read it for yourself, Inspector? It's very interesting."

As Schmendrick starts reading the will, Miss Marble bursts out, "Oh, pardon my manners, Inspector, would you like a little snuff here?" He accepts graciously, "Well, thank you. Don't mind if I do. Thank you." He snorts happily, not knowing that the snuff is poisoned. As the snuff starts doing its dirty work in the Inspector's pulmonary system, he continues reading the will, ". . .in the event of my children's death, my entire estate goes to. . . to. . . ah. . . ah-choo!" Whereupon he expires.

Miss Marble glances down at the lifeless body of the Inspector and murmurs: "Snuffed out!" Returing her attention to the will, she reads "'. . .the estate goes to his oldest living relative!' Me! Miss Jane Marble. Tea, anyone?"