Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride

The intro to this act was the owner of the Bar Double E Ranch, Cow Pattie (Bonnie-Lee Bowman) and Buffalo Bill's younger and less-well-known brother, Buffalo Chip (Gil Moon). Buffalo Chip was talking in his usual stuttering way: "C-c-c-c-cow P-p-p-pattie, would you l-l-l-l-like to m-m-m. . ." Cow Pattie whirls on him and exclaims, "Marry you? Why, my goodness! This is all so quick! This is all so sudden! I couldn't possibly get ready! It's too short a. . ."--at this point she whistles toward stage right--". . .notice!"

She then whips a bridal veil out of her pocket and puts it over her cowboy hat, while a bridesmaid (Colleen Tonkin) and preacher (Carl McCutcheon) suddenly appear. The bridesmaid hands her a ring, and the preacher begins, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to marry this Cow with this Chip. . ."

Cow Pattie interrupts, "Never mind all that! I do! He does! We're done! Yeee-hawwww!" Cow Pattie and the preacher vanish, leaving Buffalo Chip with a look of bewilderment on his face, and he says, "I j-j-j-just wanted t-t-to know if she'd l-l-l-like to m-m-m-m-milk my new cow!" He then leaves the stage in tears. . .

. . .leaving only the bridesmaid (Colleen Tonkin), who gazes wistfully at her bouquet, and starts singing:

    Well, I've walked down the aisle
      as much as Liz Taylor,
    But I've always stood off to the side.
    Each bride has me dressed
      in a gown I detest--
    Always a bridesmaid and never a bride!

In walks another bridesmaid (Larua Pacini) with the same problem:

    For Catlin, I wore satin,
      which I looked really fat in,
    But then again, you should have seen her man Ken!
    All those calories he logged up
      'til his arteries clogged up,
    He died on the couch watching ESPN!

Then enters the third bridesmaid (Sarah Schmidt), commiserating with the other two:

    For Tabitha, I wore taffeta.
      You should never--people laugh at ya.
    But I had a hunch the marriage was doomed.
    The groom called her "Marlena"
      as they did the macarena,
    They divorced before the honeymoon!

A fourth bridesmaid (Shannon Warren) enters, another bird of the same feather:

    Once my gown was velourish;
      made me look kinda poorish,
    But my best friend Delores was never quite sane.
    She shot her new mister,
      'cause he cheated at Twister,
    He's not dead, but now he walks like John Wayne!

Then they all join in for another chorus: