The lights come up on our longsuffering announcer, Scott Westfall. (You'll see
why he suffers later, when you hear some of the puns in this melodrama.) He
briskly and efficiently narrates the story, his inimitable style drawing the
audience in quite effectively.
Our story opens in the ranchhouse of Sam Alamode (Bill Miles), owner of the
Bar-B-Q Ranch in Sparerib, Texas. His daughter, Piney (Erika Westfall), whom
he lovingly calls "Pie," leans over him with concern because Sam is dying.
Again. And, Sam wants Pie to call Trigger Mortis, the Frontier Mortician, to
arrange for his burial, also for the passing on of the Bar-B-Q Ranch, which
was worth millions (millions!), to his lovely daughter.
Unbeknownst to Sam and Pie, the evil ranch foreman, Joe Silver (Jon Shafer),
was listening, and he has his own plans for the ranch. If he can just get Pie
to marry him, he'll be set for life, because the ranch was worth millions
(millions!). And he'll likely get his way, too, because he's tough, real tough.
Why, his school only had two holidays: Christmas and Capone's birthday. Even
when he was a baby, people kept pinning things on him.
At this point, we must have a word from our sponsor, Dr. Chuck Wagon (Carl
McCutcheon). He regaled the unsuspecting audience with tales of the
unsurpassed wonderfulness of Dr. Chuck Wagon's Miracle Elixir and
Multipurpose Tonic. What can it do? Well, what can't it do?
Dr. Chuck explains: "Are you so thin you pajamas only have one stripe?
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will melt away that unsightly weight! Listen to this actual testimonial:
Meanwhile, The Frontier Mortician, Trigger Mortis (Travis Fry), was firing up
his vehicle ("Have hearse, will travel"). He expressed concern at the sounds
the engine was making: "Hmmm. . . sounds like the engine's coffin
again. . ." But soon he was on is way to see Sam Alamode.
Meanwhile, in the graveyard, Pie is talking with her boyfriend Arnie (Luke
Lawrence). You see, poor Arnie had lost his parents when he was young, and
was now an orphan--Little Orphan Arnie. Pie wistfully says, "It's so
romantic here in the graveyard. There's the grave of my Uncle Ernest. And
look, there are some maggots dining in dead Ernest. . ."
We interrupt this moving scene to bring you another word from our sponsor,
Dr. Chuck Wagon: "Are you suffering from hair loss? Dr. Chuck's
Miracle Elixir and Multipurpose Tonic won't grow you more hair, but it'll
shrink your head to fit the hair you have! Are you so weak you can't even
lift your watch? Try Dr. Chuck's, and soon you'll be able to lift
anyone's watch!"
Shortly thereafter, Joe and Arnie confront one another. Joe tries to
intimidate Arnie: "I'm tough, pal, real tough. I've been sent up the river so
many times I get fan mail from the salmon. Last time they caught me, I got
four years in prison and two in the electric chair." Joe leans in to deliver
the final threat to Arnie, "If she marries you, I'll see to it that her father
never gets out of this melodrama alive! Either I get the girl, or Sam gets so
much lead in him that every time he moves, he'll write like a pencil!"
Pie and Arnie have a conference, back in the graveyard. Arnie tells her,
"We're in deep trouble, honey. Joe's threatened to kill your father if we
don't break up." Pie is sobbing, "I know! I hate to cry like this because
I'm so cross-eyed, that the tears run down my back. The doctor says I might
get a case of back-tearia! What are we gonna do? Let's ask Trigger Mortis
for help."
Just at that moment, Trigger Mortis appears. Pie turns to the audience with a mischievous smile and remarks, ". . .and there he is. How convenient. Will you help us, Trigger?" Trigger is quite aware of Joe's reputation (did we mention that he's tough? Real tough?) and tries to change the subject. "I'd love to, but I have a splitting headache." Arnie, in selfless concern, asks "Have your eyes ever been checked?" Trigger gives him a quizzical look and replies, "No, they've always been blue." Then, suddenly, Trigger Mortis agrees to help. His idea? "We'll just shut him up him in a casket until after you two are married!"
The plan goes off without a hitch, of course, and Arnie and Pie prepare to tie
the knot. Arnie bubbles (in his poker-faced way), "Now we can get married,
you'll take my last name, and we'll live happily ever after." Pie looks
thoughtful and queries, "Arnie, I never asked you--what is your
last name?" He replies, "Square. You'll be Mrs. Pie R. Square."